Black holes are a myth it was claimed yesterday in a startling development which runs contrary to the majority of self-riotous TV boffins like the smug and grinning Professor Brian Cox.
Mr. Jones, a former shelf stacker at Mac Fisheries, made the claim yesterday in an interview with this web site while sitting in front of his television. He stated that, theoretically, anything could escape a black hole though he added the caveat that escape would require an enormous amount of fuel and conceded that there may be engineering challenges related to tidal effects that make implementations of black hole escape impractical. However he asserted that this “…doesn’t make it a scientific impossibility for fuck’s sake….”. His findings refers to the oft stated supposition that nothing can escape a black hole because the escape velocity of a black hole is greater than the speed of light and nothing can exceed the speed of light.
However, Mr. Jones points out that a rocket moving out of a “gravity well” does not actually need to attain escape velocity to escape, but could achieve the same result (escape) at any speed with a suitable mode of propulsion and sufficient propellant to provide the accelerating force on the object to escape. Escape velocity is only required to send a ballistic object on a trajectory that will allow the object to escape the gravity well of the mass.
The implications are obvious said Mr. Jones “…these lame TV scientists with their stupid corduroy jackets and patched elbows think we’re all bloody stupid…”. If true his claim could have far reaching and fundamental implications for accepted cosmological theories and render the concepts of dark matter and dark energy obsolete.
Mr. Jones explained the background to his conclusion while quaffing large glasses of a fair to middling bottle of Lidl Barolo saying “I spoke to this blond bird who was some kind of astronomer at a science fair last weekend….” and he belched and drooled for a minute before collecting his thoughts, ”….She got all confused when I put it to her…” and Mr. Jones sniggered but went on ”…there may be other factors preventing stuff leaving a black hole but when they bang on about the light speed limitation for escape velocity they’re Talking Bollocks! Why the fuck can’t they tell us the truth? That’s what I’d like to know….these bastards on the TV, Cox got an OBE for Christ’s sake! I could do his job….why can’t I have an OBE?…..”
Mr. Jones then became incoherent and the interview was terminated. Professor Cox has yet to respond.